Miko Hughes and My Wedding Scared the Shit Out of Me.

The wedding has ended. The honeymoon is over and I am preparing to go back to work as an educator. I am grateful to all of my family, but mostly of my friends who took the time out of their lives and the money out of their bank accounts to make the trip. We teachers get paid shit, so to spend a cool $500 on a friend's wedding in Vermont was greatly appreciated.

I will spare you the details, I won't show you the wedding pics or the honeymoon photos, but I will tell you this: I was scared shitless.

During the entire wedding planning process I maintained my cool. When Chelsea was losing her mind with the details I stayed aloof and detached from all and any strain or stress on my life. On the week of the wedding, when Chelsea was on the border of turning into Bride-zilla, I hit a Buddhist Zen-like center point, where nothing could hurt me. It was like I had gathered all of my positive energies and plopped them right into my guts.

But, on the morning of my wedding, I couldn't stop shaking. Three hours before the ceremony I passed out and slept for 2 hours. I woke up and started pacing the room, rubbing my hands and sweating. Rose told me that roles reverse on the day of the wedding; the groom loses it while the bride calms down (which Chelsea was). I, though, drank four glasses of champagne and had five swigs of whiskey from Ben's hidden flask and felt nothing before stepping up to the mic. The ceremony went without a hitch and I continued drinking through the reception and never felt the least bit drunk. The fear eventually subsided.

Total alcohol consumed: Six glasses of champagne (toasts), five swigs of whiskey, nine Magic Hat Beers, three glasses of red wine, a full bottle of red wine that I drank straight out of while dancing to Thriller with Raja, and whatever amount of gin Dave poured down my throat while Stephen and Wes held me down out in the woods.

Still went to bed sober (had a long talk with Blair at 3am outside when I couldn't sleep) and woke up at 6am with no hangover.

But I was scared shitless. And couldn't stop thinking about Miko Hughes.

That is because the only other thing that has scared me that much, at least when my life wasn't in danger, was Miko Hughes. Hughes was a child actor who grew up in front of the camera lens; a product of America's obfuscated and denied NAMBLA-appreciation. Miko was a cute kid and landed a ton of roles. But the one that got me was when he played Gage in Pet Semetary. In the film, Gage gets hit by a truck, his weeping father buries him in the Pet Semetary even though Herman Munster told him not to, and he was resurrected as Evil-Gage hell bent on killing eveything.



I saw this movie when I was a kid and, even though the movie is not necessarily scary, it was Miko who fucked me up. Miko Hughes could (and I bet still can and my "please-dance-for-me-monkey"-side and wishes he would email me a pic) turn his cute, cuddly chipmunk-face into a twisted and disgusting grimace of pure hate and evil. I remember having to turn off the movie because I just couldn't handle him. The only other time that that has happened was during two other films: Lynch's Eraserhead and Cube.



What fucking motivation does a four-year old tap into to make that face? While carrying a syringe? What did the director say to him? What the fuck? Those ideas just scared the piss out of me for some reason.

I have never seen Ricky Schroeder or an Olsen twin twist their faces into the image of a demon -- that makes Miko the greatest child actor of all time.

Plus, he hid in a boiler and killed Freddy Krueger in "New Nightmare."

Another thing that scares me about Miko is this, which was made by a crazed fan I assume:



So, congrats Miko Hughes. You are now completely attached to my wedding day in memory and spirit. Stay clear of the psycho fans and enjoy your day. Invite me to your wedding and we are even.

Send me a pic.